To Bed, To Bed
by Adistoria
Summary: Naruto/Sasuke In which Sakura gets laid a lot and Naruto is repeatedly cock-blocked.


**Title:** To Bed, To Bed  
**Author:** SilverWyrm / Adi  
**Characters:** Naruto, Sasuke  
**Genre:** Humour, Romance  
**Rating:** NC-17  
**Status:** One-shot, Complete  
**Word Count:** ~4K  
**Betas:** hina88, Dualism (who named it :3)  
**A/N:** Gift for Questofdreams \o/ Happy Birthday my darling Questifer ILUSM  
**Summary:** In which Sakura gets laid a lot and Naruto is repeatedly cock-blocked.

* * *

**To Bed, To Bed**

This was just like old times.

Naruto grinned briefly to himself as he thought back to the short twelve year old with baby fat cheeks pestering Sakura for a date. The only difference between now and then was that instead of threatening him with her cute little fists, eighteen year old Sakura was living true to her threats. She had been babbling about getting her apartment fixed and if she wanted to see innuendo in him offering to stick a pipe in her basement, well, then Naruto would just have to learn to run faster.

Sakura whittled down to muttering about men and putting their dicks in one giant blender. Naruto put some distance between them and opted for sitting down cross-legged at the base of a tree. Sakura had a lot of ranting to catch up on, they hadn't met up in a while and Naruto could already feel her eyes picking over his clothes and his hair. Oh God, his hair was going to get sheared off.

Sasuke arrived in a whispered whirl of leaves, already casually leaning against an opposite tree, his bored expression giving little away.

_Show off_ Naruto thought. _Jerk_ he added for good measure.

This was Sasuke's first mission that involved leaving the village. Once Naruto had learned that Sasuke had been assigned to it, he had demanded that he be allowed on the team. He had then cajoled and blackmailed Kakashi and Sakura respectively into joining up too. They had been easy to take down. All Naruto had to do was wave the unedited manuscript of Icha Icha Tactics (which Naruto firmly believed contained sex with goats; it'd have to be pretty extreme to be edited out) and Kakashi was sold. He may or may not have implied to Sakura about possibly telling Kakashi about that incident which may or may not have occurred. The incident being Sakura moaning Kakashi's name in her sleep while frantically rubbing herself under the sheets.

Really, his former team was full of filthy perverts.

Naruto cast Sasuke a side look and spared a thought for what Sasuke's sex-related secrets were. He dismissed the rather disturbing visuals. Sasuke's life was far too focused on the following: kill Itachi (broody-face), avenge clan (angsty-face), damn it accidentally killed Itachi (angsty-face), avenge Itachi (broody-face), refuse to apologise for being a dickhead (smug smug smug).

Sasuke returned Naruto's glance with indifference, slouched and went back to pretending he didn't know anyone there. Naruto bared his teeth, a small growl escaping before finding some unsuspecting rock to glare at. So it really was just like old times, where Sasuke would do nothing, and somehow still work Naruto into a state of righteous anger. Except maybe now Naruto had stopped jumping up, pointing accusing fingers and shouting proclamations of 'You're not that cool!' and 'You're not better than me' and 'You smell funny'.

Unsurprisingly Kakashi arrived late. Naruto's nostalgia was lost on the rest of his team mates. No one pointed fingers and called Kakashi a lying liar that lies. Sakura was evidentially still smarting from Naruto's blackmail attempts and was studying her fingernails a little too closely. Sasuke was still trying to act cool and indifferent, ignoring Kakashi also. This left Naruto's index finger to wilt on its own.

Kakashi smiled at Naruto and reached up to ruffle his hair. "You always were my favourite." This earned a scoff from Sasuke and wide eyes from Sakura.

They had already been briefed on the mission details. It was a simple C-class mission (it would probably take Sasuke at least five years before he was moved up to B-class). Naruto thought fondly to the days when Sasuke had first been allowed to take up missions again. He had been assigned D-rank missions and it had been one of Naruto's favourite pastimes to stalk Sasuke and watch as the ninja that had handed Orochimaru's arse to him struggled not to set some poor cat on fire. Sasuke had known he was there of course, and Naruto had become rather adept at finding hidden traps, primarily through triggering them.

The mission was to escort Madoka-san, one of Sunagakure's council members, back home. She was perfectly capable of travelling on her own, but Tsunade had insisted on ensuring Madoka-san didn't go wayward. Relations between Sand and Leaf had been excellent since Gaara had taken up the position of Kazekage, but it would be foolish to trust any of Sand's elders. They were hardened ex-ninjas with old people smell, not to be underestimated.

They collected Madoka-san from the village gates where she had been having a hand gripping contest with one of Konoha's own council members. She greeted the group with little enthusiasm, and Naruto had his ankle kicked before he could he get going on a tirade about judging people and his ninja way yada yada yada.

They set off at a walking pace, and Naruto quickly becoming bored out of his mind. He had given up talking to Madoka-san who would only shoot him dirty looks in response to his advances. The fact that her village's Kazekage had once been a demon vessel did little to stop her own hypocrisy.

Kakashi was reading, when he wasn't eying Sakura's frame, and Sakura would respond to Naruto a good ten minutes after he'd spoken, so he'd given up with her too.

He eyed Sasuke as a possible source of conversation.

"No."

"But I-"

"_No._"

* * *

As nightfall arrived they scouted for a suitable area to set up camp. They had three tents between them. Kakashi would get his own while Sakura would be sharing with Madoka-san and Naruto and Sasuke were together. Sasuke didn't say much at the arrangements, and stalked off to find water.

After a cold dinner, and with no fire to warm them, they crawled into their sleeping bags. Sakura took the first watch, then Kakashi, followed by Naruto and then Sasuke. Naruto had to hand it to the genius that was Kakashi. The order of the night watch meant that it was Sakura who had to go into Kakashi's tent to wake him for his turn. Which led to murmured voices, a gasp, a slap and then the unmistakable sounds of sex. Naruto was both horrified and amazed by Kakashi's seduction powers. He was torn between marching over and yelling at them to keep it down and preaching about ninja etiquette and how it's impolite to have sex with other people in the vicinity who most certainly haven't had sex in a while, and really Sakura, are Sharingans some sort of kink?

Naruto then found his own body reacting to the sounds and smells of sex, the wet rhythmic smacks, the little moans and deeper groans. Naruto flushed with embarrassment as he felt himself getting harder.

He turned on his side to see if Sasuke was awake. Naruto couldn't make out much in the darkness, so he listened carefully for the steady deep breathing that would indicate Sasuke was as dead to the world as he was on the inside. When convinced, he pushed a hand inside the covers, eyes trained on the outline of Sasuke's head as his hand crept lower, his fingertips brushing the top of his boxers.

"Don't."

"But I-"

"_Don't._"

* * *

Naruto was understandably grumpy the next morning. He had had to use the visual of Kakashi and Madoka-san going at it to get his body to calm down enough so that he could sleep. Naruto had also discovered that his subconscious was not his friend; his dreams were filled with Kakashi and Madoka-san inviting him to join them.

He stood over Sasuke's sleeping form and debating the age old question of 'To kick Sasuke in the head? To not kick Sasuke in head…'. Lucky for Sasuke Naruto needed to take a leak.

They packed quickly and in silence. Naruto couldn't look Madoka-san in the eye because every time he so much as glanced at her his dream would come back to him in vivid, blinding, detail. Sakura wasn't looking Kakashi in the eye either which Naruto would have found funny if he could bring himself to look at her. Kakashi's one eye was for Icha Icha alone, and Sasuke was once again pretending he didn't know them.

The day had stretched into a long one of mindless walking, occasional running and random lectures from Kakashi about the benefits of teamwork; apparently he was feeling nostalgic, too.

Madoka-san had bitched Kakashi into taking them to stay at an inn for the night, so rather than skirting around the nearby village and keeping a ninja profile, they were checking into one of the more expensive places due to the late hour. Naruto bemoaned the sudden weight loss of his frog wallet, and didn't believe for one second Kakashi's assurances that the Godaime would pay him back. Naruto knew Sasuke was holding out but so far had come up with no way to prove it.

Standing in their room Naruto could feel the manliness being leeched out of him. The wallpaper was a floral print, dollies covered every visible surface, the twin beds had matching floral duvet covers, the ceiling was pink, and there were an abnormal number of porcelain cats.

Sasuke walked in soon after looking equally appalled at the décor. Naruto smiled grimly, solidarity in these times was a must. Naruto _swaggered_ over to the bed, squared his shoulders and climbed in. Sasuke looked at him like he was mad, but then that was nothing new.

When Sasuke had first returned, attempting to show off by saving the day and being all 'this is how it's done' when all he was really saying 'look at my chest', he had been so surprised by the full body hug that Naruto, Sakura and, for some random reason, Sai had given him that he'd almost dropped his katana on his foot. He thought the entire team had gone insane in his absence. Captain Yamato hadn't helped factors by using his scary face to get the rest of the team back into line.

"What are you grinning at?" Sasuke spoke, breaking the silence, Naruto came out of his thoughts to see what while he had dumped his pack and crawled into bed fully clothed, Sasuke had folded his chunnin uniform neatly and placed it on the bedside table and was currently pulling on a pair of bottoms. Naruto's eyes flicked to Sasuke's crotch and then resolutely stared at the ceiling.

"Nothing."

From the room next door they could hear Sakura's pleased exclamations over her room. Kakashi was doing this on purpose.

"That woman has really bad taste," Naruto mumbled as he turned on his side.

He caught the reply of "Sixteen years of orange clothing, hypocrite."

Naruto glanced at Sasuke. He was being more talkative than usual. Maybe that meant that tonight in this room of pink vomit, they could finally have that sensitive heart-to-heart that Naruto _knew_ Sasuke secretly longed for. Then they could go climb trees, and race and spar and Sasuke would be so grateful to Naruto for curing his long list of psychological problems that he'd buy Naruto dinner for years.

Sasuke had been keeping Naruto at an arm's length for a while now. Naruto had been busy too; he had taken more missions than he should have been able to handle, and spent more time out of the village than in. But that hadn't stopped him finding Sasuke as soon as he returned covered in all kinds of crap just to make sure Sasuke was still there, and to babble perhaps a little insensitively about his missions so he could fill the silence that met his greeting. Naruto had more than his share of abandonment issues, which Sasuke did absolutely nothing to soothe. Like the time Naruto had taken to crouching on Sasuke's bedroom window ledge in the middle of the night to watch him sleep. Naruto had an irrational mind, and with it came irrational dreams of Sasuke running off to be Orochimaru's love slave. Naruto's subconscious failed to point out that Sasuke was far too old now to be of any interest to Orochimaru, and oh yeah, the snake was _dead_.

Had Sasuke invited Naruto in for a nice hot cup of cocoa and a reassuring hug? No. Sasuke had taken to adding seals around the window, closing the curtains and sleeping with double the recommended number of kunai.

Naruto squinted at Sasuke in the darkness. His back was turned to Naruto, and in the little light afforded by the gaps in the curtains, Naruto could make out the tense set of his shoulders. Shadows played along the middle line of his back revealing the ridges of his spine. Naruto wanted to smooth his hand over them, feeling the warm hardness and trail light fingers to see if it would make Sasuke shiver. But he mostly wanted to take Sasuke by the shoulders and scream '_There is life after Itachi!_' at him, and maybe punch him.

"Hey Sasuke, I-"

"What?"

"I just-"

"_No._"

* * *

Naruto woke to the sound of what he quickly assessed was Kakashi screwing Sakura into the wall. For God's sakes there was a bed _right_ there, and didn't they find all the cats watching creepy?

Naruto whimpered as his body stirred with interest and his mind attempted to back track into a happy place. Being twelve and skipping through meadows with Sasuke… it became a mantra.

Sakura was releasing long keening moans. It really sounded like Kakashi was killing her. All it did was serve to get Naruto harder.

Squirming around in bed, he thought of just about anything, but the more he tried to ignore them the louder the sounds seem to get. They'd moved from the wall to the bed now and Naruto was marvelling at a woman's ability to have multiple orgasms.

Naruto didn't care; he needed to take care of this problem. He could do it in a couple of quick hard strokes and have it over and done with and enter the blissful almost coma-like sleep that followed an orgasm.

Apparently hand and dick were never to be reunited again because as soon as he'd wrapped his fingers around himself, a kunai imbedded itself in Naruto's pillow. Naruto squeaked and jumped out of bed.

Sasuke still had his back turned. Naruto spluttered for a while, shook a fist at him and climbed back in.

It was well over an hour later when Naruto threw his pillow at Sasuke. Kakashi and Sakura were still at it, and if Sasuke wasn't going to be a good little ninja and pretend he couldn't hear Naruto jerking off, then he could very well try to be some entertaining company.

The pillow was speared with another kunai before it even hit.

Naruto growled.

"Sasuke!" He tried to sound demanding and authoritative, but it just came out whiny. "C'mon Sasuke, they're not going to stop anytime soon, can you just… talk to me to drown out the noise?! ….Please?"

"Naruto, just shut up so I can ignore them in peace."

"But they won't stop, why won't they stop?! They've done it five times already!"

"Six."

"What?"

"Shut up."

Naruto counted to twenty and consequently to the beat of Kakashi's thrusts. He wondered if Sasuke was hard too. But he was pretty sure that Sasuke had all the sexual awareness of a dead fish.

"Sasuke…

"Sasuke…

"….Sasuke…."

"Shut. Up. Naruto."

The mattress next door was now squeaking; they'd probably broken the springs. If he didn't think Sakura would beat him to a pulp he'd enquire about the durability of her vagina.

"We could play a game?"

Naruto sat upright and dodged another kunai.

"We could talk about the trauma of being Orochimaru's sex slave? Ninjas have therapists too, you know."

"Naruto…" Sasuke's growl held warning to it.

Naruto lay back down and after another five minutes of trying to decipher Kakashi's dirty talk and getting nowhere, unless Sakura really was turned on by comments such as 'I'm going to eat your slug". He turned back to his roommate. "Sasuke…"

And then Naruto was being smothered with a pillow. Sasuke had gotten up and quickly straddled him, pillow firmly placed over Naruto's face.

After a few struggles, which ended up with them rolling off the bed and onto the floor, throwing punches like they were drunk men brawling in a bar rather than elite ninjas.

"Shut. Up. Naruto."

And that was around about when Naruto noticed something rather firm of Sasuke's poking him in the belly.

Sasuke gave him a pissed off look, then shoving Naruto off, he strode back to his own bed and proceeded to ignore Naruto's existence.

Half an hour passed.

"Sasuke…?

"…Um…

"I'm sorry….?"

* * *

The next day was just as, if not more, awkward as the previous day. Sakura walked around in a happy daze. Even the occasional limp didn't stop her from beaming at everyone and everything.

Naruto had debated testing out her new found happiness, wondering if he could get away with making lewd jokes without her realising. He finally understood why so many of his previous team members had threatened to punch the smile off his face.

Madoka-san was giving the entire team a wide berth, and was occasionally muttering to herself about reporting them to their supervisors. Fat load of good that would do, runing off and tell Tsunade, the woman with a drinking and gambling problem, and if she had had any sense in her youth, probably a long list of partners. Besides, Sakura was still Tsunade's apprentice; one could only assume she was picking up tips from somewhere.

Naruto couldn't actually tell if Sasuke was talking to him or not. The other maintained a silence similar to his usual self. Naruto really couldn't see what the problem was. So Sasuke had been hard, so what? Naruto had been hard too. Who wouldn't be after listening to Sakura and Kakashi's wild night of fun fun fun? Naruto scowled. Sasuke just had to make things complicated. It was a simple biological reaction, and if Jiraiya's novels had been anything to go by, men sprang erections at lightening speed from 'one gentle caress'.

By the end of the day, Naruto was ready to scream. Sakura had finally snapped out of her loopy daze; though still fairly happy, she had managed to punch Naruto in the gut for asking if she'd like to collect the wood. It was the twitch of his lips that had alerted her to the innuendo. Sasuke's resulting snort had been worth it though.

Naruto had second watch that night. It had become a struggle to stay away with a possible case of blue balls. He had come to relieve Kakashi from the first watch; he didn't look any different for a man receiving an incredible amount of sex. Maybe this was a regular occurrence for him. Naruto would have to have a man-to-man talk with Kakashi. Perhaps something along of the lines of 'Hurt Sakura-chan and I'll get Kyuubi to bite your balls off.' He'd have to work on a speech.

Kakashi was nonplussed by the glare Naruto gave him. He simply ruffled his hair and smiled. "Still my favourite." And then Kakashi walked off. Towards Sakura's tent.

Naruto settled down to keep guard. He prowled around the area every hour or so. Naruto had long out grown the days when he would see enemies in harmless woodland creatures, but he still kept a vigilant watch. At the end of his watch, he got Sakura up to take his place. He had to cough loudly to be heard over the moans emitting from Sakura's tent, when she emerged Naruto grinned weakly and Sakura pretended she was wearing underwear.

When he reached his tent he thought twice about crawling in there with Sasuke. He really felt he couldn't handle another sleepless night with Sasuke's repressed attitude. Naruto decided he would find somewhere nice and quiet and have a lovely stress-free session.

When he had walked far enough, he leaned against a tree and sank down at the base. He got in three strokes before a kunai went sailing past his head. Attached to it was a note that read:

_Don't._

Naruto hit his head back against the tree trunk. Repeatedly. And then yelped when the note exploded in his hands.

* * *

Naruto had had it with this mission. They'd arrived in Suna three nights later with Naruto randy and Sasuke increasingly surly.

But finally, _finally_ his luck had won out, and not only did he have a separate room but he'd managed to snag the room furthest away from Sakura's.

He had taken a nice long shower and had settled on his bed for a little Naruto time alone. Naruto's fingers wrapped around himself and he sighed happily. He yelped when three loud raps echoed through the room. He refused to answer the door. Whoever it was could come back in fifteen minutes (five if he were being honest).

The knocked persisted and finally Naruto yanked his hand out, growled and jerked open the door.

And now Sasuke was here.

Naruto crossed his arms and did his best Ibiki impression.

"I'm not switching Sasuke."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"I'm serious! Go back to your room, put a pillow over your head, jump out the window, whatever helps you sleep."

Sasuke's lip curled. "Fine, then I'm staying here."

Sasuke pushed past Naruto, and climbed into the bed. Naruto wasn't having any of that. He followed after and tugged away the thin sheet.

Sasuke's long limbs were tensed for a fight and Naruto sighed. He was tired and for once he didn't want to fight with Sasuke.

"Fine." Naruto mumbled, and nudged Sasuke aside and climbed in too. Sasuke's eyes had widened a fraction before he made more room for Naruto.

Naruto turned on his side and stared unashamedly at Sasuke.

Sasuke turned on his side too and raised an eyebrow.

"Why have you been so angry with me?" Naruto whispered

Sasuke ignored him, so Naruto shoved him.

It was all a scramble after that. Naruto pushed Sasuke into the side of the bed and up against the wall.

They kicked each other and Sasuke still remained tight-lipped, Naruto was mutinous and wouldn't let this go.

They scrabbled against each other, Sasuke's blunt nails digging into his forearms, twisting him away, but Naruto pushed and continued pushing using his body to pin Sasuke.

When Naruto felt Sasuke's erection against his hip, his mouth went into a silent O. Sasuke glared at him, his lips pulled thin in a snarl.

"You could have just said you know."

And he didn't give Sasuke a chance to reply, he pushed him further into the wall and pressed kisses to Sasuke's closed unrelenting mouth.

"Don't be like that."

"Naruto, I-"

And he kissed Sasuke again, and again and again, until Sasuke's mouth softened and Naruto's tongue could enter and lick his top lip.

He muttered words against Sasuke's lips. He started sentences "You-" and dug his fingers into Sasuke's skin, gripping as tight as he wanted because for once he felt like Sasuke wasn't going anywhere. "How come-" and his tongue flicked out to lick Sasuke's collarbone. "We could-" he pushed his leg between Sasuke's. "Why didn't-" and he moaned as Sasuke's hand palmed him through his trousers.

Sasuke's mouth smoothed over his body, his cold hands came to push his t-shirt up, his mouth searched out his nipples and licked them.

Naruto ran his hand along the length of Sasuke's back, his fingers moving into the dips and he counted the ridges.

When all the necessary clothes had been tugged off Sasuke rolled on top of him, bracing his arms either side of his head.

"How are we doing this?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, that wasn't a question; translated Sasuke was saying 'If we're doing this, I'm not on bottom.'

"You're such a girl," Naruto pulled his legs from under Sasuke and widened them to create a V.

They were a tangle of limbs, Naruto tried to explain to Sasuke that he was a _ninja_ not a contortionist, but his complaints stopped when Sasuke licked his fingers and then those same fingers moved inside of him.

They kept having to stop and start because once he was ready Naruto thought he would be _ready_. He thought he'd be screaming 'Oh fuck me harder Sasuke! Harder!' kinda like phrases Sakura seemed so taken with lately. What he really wanted to yell was 'Take it out!' and 'Where's my kunai?!'.

It hurt. A lot. Naruto wasn't about to admit this was his first time. But it was and it hurt.

"Slow down!"

"If I go any slower, I'm not moving at all!"

"Good! Just… just hold it there."

"Naruto…"

"Fine! Move! Just you wait until it's your turn!"

Sasuke kept his eyes open the entire time, directly trained on Naruto's.

Gradually the pace picked up and Naruto didn't protest this at all, as it had finally started to feel good. He grabbed Sasuke's hand and put it on his erection and told him to make himself useful. Sasuke hadn't argued.

Then it was over and Naruto arched as his orgasm rushed through him, his blood pumping loudly in his ears as he struggled to breathe. Sasuke's mouth searched out Naruto's neck and licked at the sweat there.

"We can do you now…" Naruto would have said it with more enthusiasm, but after his first orgasm in a week, all he wanted to do was sleep.

"Maybe. Tomorrow." This really meant 'Don't bet on it'.

Naruto eyed Sasuke for some potential cuddling.

"No."

"But I-"

"_No._"


End file.
